In the past I have not been a fan of holidays. There is too much work trying to be who my family wants me to be. Since I've always had a job, until recently, I always made the choice to work, if that was possible. It was win-win: no uncomfortable celebrations and usually holiday pay.

I did spend last Thanksgiving with C and his family, but that was the first time I met most of them. I was nervous, but did have a good time. For Christmas, there was a nice little blizzard that kept me in town. C and I had been planning to go to his parents home in rural North Dakota, but travel wasn't a wise idea.

We did make the treck out there for Easter. The last time I saw his parents was when his dad was in the hospital. This was better circumstances. C's sister has been inviting us over for dinner every couple weeks, so we've been bonding as well.

The day was wonderful. It was a 90 minute drive, which C and I spent talking and singing along with the radio. Upon arriving at his parents home, we decided to drive out to his brother's farm just outside of town. C wanted to show me his family's tractor collection and give me a tour of the countryside. We walked around the farm looking in the barns, at the cattle and horses. It felt so nice to be in the quiet with nothing to do but bond further.

That was followed by lunch at his parent's house and planting Easter eggs around the yard for his 2 year old nephew to find. We stayed until early evening before heading back home.

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

Second blog

I have started a second blog that will house my creative output. Feel free to follow that one as well. I'm going to attempt to post over there almost every day. That should increase my postings over here as well, since I will be logged into the site.

C's dad is sick. Dying of a mix of lung cancer and soon-to-be kidney failure. Chemo started today, so the family is hoping it takes and can extend his life for a little longer. But it's still not eliminating the inevitable: that he will die. It could be in a couple months and could be a few years.

This has brought up a lot of feelings for C and the rest of his immediate family. Things left to do and experience, who gets what, what will happen to his mother... They've been married for 50 years. When I had been told this by C when we first started dating, I could not imagine that length of time. My family has known many divorces. Successful marriage is something I only hear about. That's a different kind of heartbreak than losing a man you have spent most of your life with.

My relationship with my own father is nonexistant. I cut ties with him almost two years ago. Of course this was met with some resistance and I spent almost a year hearing about how bad of a person I am from other people. But this is what I needed to do to be the person I want to be. Anyone who has had a relationship of any sort with a controlling and somewhat abusive person can relate to how suffocating it is. Any idea I had and thing I wanted to try was shot down. Yes, I could have just done those things, but that's easier said than done. Especially when that person is your father holding you back.

My entire life would be different if he had been encouraging. I could have went to college in Anchorage, Washington state, even Minneapolis. I would have studied anything that suited my fancy. Instead, my restrictions were limited to a nearby college studying something that would not leave me starving on the street (in other words, something not creative, as he views creative careers as hobbies not moneymakers). On the line was the $20,000 that he had put aside for schooling. I played his game and he paid. I went against him and I lost the money and would have to hear about how I'm going to fail. (Trust me, I tried once.) Starting my life without student loan debt was very attractive, so I played along, even though it made me unhappy.

Eventually, I had to cut the ties to make myself happy. I was tired of pretending everything was alright and that I cared about someone who held me back from life. People in general do not support "selfish" acts like this. But what I have discovered in this time is that I don't have to have a father. I don't think much about him or wonder what is going on with him. Think what you will, but having negative people in your life is worse than not having family.

C and I have talked in length about my situation. He also had a period of time where he did not speak to his parents. I'm sure more people would do this, but lack the courage to go against the stream. C understands and acutally supports my desicion. He has said that one day I should think about reconciling, and I may. But I want to do that on my own timeline, not when other people say so. My sister suggested I pretend to be okay for the holidays, so I get my gifts from him. But I don't want a father who gives me things in lieu of support. I grew up with that, and for her, that's how she likes their relationship.

So with my strained relationship, I can focus my attention on being there for C. I am not prepared for this kind of thing, and don't know what to expect if the worst happens. But I know I will be there.

Ok, so I've been a bad girl in neglecting this blog. That said, I also deleted all previous entires.

This is following the spirit of the past year and a half of my life. I've been making drastic changes since then, and am pretty much starting over. Not everything has changed though, just the bad things.

I intend to use this blog to track the things going on in my life, and also tell stories of my sometimes ridiculous life.

I have finally "found" myself again. At the age of 28, I am going back to college to earn my degree in something I wanted to do at 18: interior design and art. At times I feel out of place amoungst the 18 year olds, but the wisdom I have developed over the years has helped.

In just a few weeks I already know this is what I am happiest doing. Creating is what I crave.

I have also found the man I believe I have been looking for all my life. I had given up years ago that I would find someone who had the qualities I was looking for. I just dated the same man over and over and over again! I was to the point of settling for whomever. Then I decided to just be single. I've always been content on my own. Don't ask how I came to be in those bad relationships, because I really don't know. I blame it on the alcohol, I guess. And once I committed to being just me, along came C. Every second I spend with him is better than the last, and when we are in a crowd, all I see is him. All this after 7 months even.

Enough about that for now. I'm going to commit to updating this at least weekly. Be back soon!